ORTHODIXIE ... Southern, Orthodox, Convert, Etc.

Taking a posting break from humour (I told you this wasn't the funniest blog), several have written me to trumpet the following piece. I'm all in favor of Orthodox and Catholic joint efforts -- working together -- toward the Kingdom, and I generally find our relations in the blogosphere a great blessing. Yet, forgive the paraphrase, as things now stand (I mean what has changed?), you cannot call the Church your Mother ... while acknowledging two Papas.


Orthodox leader suggests "dual unity" for Eastern Catholics

Constantinople, Jun. 19, 2008 (CWNews.com) - The Orthodox Patriarch of Constantinople has responded favorably to a suggestion by the head of the Ukrainian Catholic Church for a system of "dual unity" in which Byzantine Catholic churches would be in full communion with both Constantinople and Rome.

Patriarch Bartholomew I of Constantinople welcomed the proposal in an interview with the magazine Cyril and Methodius, the RISU news service reports. The acknowledged leader of the Orthodox world suggested that the "dual unity" approach would produce something akin to the situation of the Christian world in the 1st millennium, before the split between Rome and Constantinople.

Cardinal Lubomyr Husar of Kiev, the Major Archbishop of the Ukrainian Catholic Church-- the largest of the Eastern Catholic churches-- had offered the possibility that Byzantine Catholics might seek communion with the Ecumenical Patriarchate, without giving up their communion with the Holy See. Patriarch Bartholomew expressed distinct interest in the idea, saying that "the mother Church in Constantinople holds the doors open for the return of all her former sons and daughters."

Patriarch Bartholomew acknowledged that a restoration of unity would require study, and important differences would have to be overcome. However, he observed that major steps have already been taken to resolve disagreements-- most importantly the revocation of the mutual decrees of excommunication issued by Rome and Constantinople against each other in 1054.

While Catholic and Orthodox theologians continue their efforts to reach agreement on doctrinal questions, Patriarch Bartholomew said, "the people at the grass roots have to come together again." He pointed to the "dual unity" idea as a possible step toward practical unity.

If you wish, here's the rest.
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My teen-aged daughter is, of course – by default – a Priest Kid (or PK for short). A while back, on a retreat down in the border town of Pharr, Texas, she met another gal, a PK, and they became long-distance friends.

Recently, she told me of a T-Shirt that this girl and some other PKs were marketing which featured, on the front in big letters: P. K.

And on the back it read: “We believe because we HAVE to!”

Of course, pretending to be a sober-minded Daddy Priest, I said, “Uh, no.”

BUT … really … believing because you have to is not such a bad deal.

Life gets a lot more difficult when we grow up and get out on our own and are responsible for our own beliefs. Scarier still is the thought that we will, at least the way I believe – We will some day be judged not so much by what we said we believed, but by those works which, by God’s grace, we did according to that belief.

Even the Saints, themselves, were not infallible. They, too, were sinners – strugglers just as we are. On this side of hagiography, we tend to remember – and rightly so – the virtues of the Saints. And yet, in their own earthly lives there were those who knew them differently.

There’s a saying: “Eternal rest with the saints … but you wouldn’t want to live with them!”

For the rest of the story ...

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.

The fabulously bizarre image is stolen from a portion of The Last Judgment -- Image Source
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Awards notwithstanding, this is still not the funniest blog. Sometimes, there's a rant or two. But some, funny or not, seem worth a read ...

Kids at Christmas. Aren't we all?

It's obvious: Cows Can't Spell.

Sometimes I simply post FWDs from folks. The one about Gilligan's Island brought in a lot of traffic.

Making fun of Southerners, even for Southerners, is always fun (not to mention Blondes).

There are times when humour fails and rants are in order. Forgive me.

After all those years of books, movies, televangelists and the like -- The number of the Beast was finally revealed.

I still find this one funny: a visual & a song.

This post, a review on the first Narnia movie, was the last (on this blog) to feature a comment from Mary "Stolzi" Stolzenbach. May her memory be eternal!
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As previously mentioned, awards notwithstanding, this is not the funniest blog. However, here's some past posts which, at least to me, were fun well worth reading.

Back in January of 2005, Of Course Sponge Bob is Gay sought to understand Dr James Dobson's campaign against beloved cartoon characters. (None of the old links in that piece are essential -- nor do they now work -- except the final one, which is essential.)

Forgive me, but before I moved to Houston I used to say: "There's two kinds of bad drivers: women ... and men who drive like women." Saudi Arabia might want to take note. (Since moving to Houston I have discovered that I can no longer properly define "bad driving." I'm just a man.)

REMEMBER: Always turn those cell phones off in church (especially on Good Friday).

This is not really funny, I'm not even sure it makes sense, like bad drivers in Houston: all things are relative.

Back before all her broadcast sorrows, bizarre as it may seem, there was a connection between Britney Spears and the "Gospel of Judas."

Speaking of Judas, here's a piece on my visit to the parish of St Judas the Wonderwinker (some links, like the veracity of Judas's Gospel, have expired).


More later ...
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MEMPHIS, Tenn. (BP) - A new interpretation of Mark's Gospel, character slams on the late Jerry Falwell and rejection of Jewish evangelism were among the topics aired at workshops June 19-20 during the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship General Assembly in Memphis, Tenn.

A statement in the General Assembly Guide says, "The opinions and views presented in General Assembly ministry workshops are those of the workshop presenters and do not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of, or endorsement by, The Fellowship or its members.

"Holding to the principles of soul freedom and church freedom, General Assembly workshop presenters do not speak for the Fellowship as an organization or for any of the Fellowship's members. The ministry workshops are a time for learning and exchanging ideas and are not indicative of personal or organization doctrinal positions."

NEW INTERPRETATION OF MARK

The Gospel of Mark was probably a Gnostic gospel that made it into the canon of orthodox Christian Scripture because either early church leaders failed to recognize it as Gnostic or because it was too popular to suppress, John Killinger said June 20 in his workshop "A Dramatic New Interpretation of the Gospel of Mark."

Killinger, executive minister and theologian in residence at Marble Collegiate Church in New York City, suggested in a workshop the previous day (covered by Baptist Press) that in the current age, the church should no longer preach that Jesus is God incarnate.

"The more I've thought about it, the more I am convinced -- now hold onto your chair Baptist Press if you're here -- I am convinced that this Gospel is a Gnostic Gospel, that Mark was one of those thousands and thousands of Gnostic Christians," Killinger said.

Gnostics were a cult during the first three centuries of Christianity who taught there was certain secret spiritual knowledge to which only a select group had access. Killinger pointed out that many other Gnostic gospels were written but not included in the Christian canon.

"You know, the Gnostics lost," Killinger said. "The orthodox Christians won. They were the Nashville of their day. They overpowered and took possession of the property. They had the orthodox faith. But all over the empire, there were little pockets of Christians who didn't see eye to eye with them."

The evidence that Mark was a Gnostic gospel is the resurrection account is hidden throughout the book rather than at the end, he said. Especially in Mark 4-6, there are several stories about dramatic transformation that could be hidden resurrection accounts, Killinger said.

Interpreting Mark as a Gnostic gospel helps explain several puzzling features in Mark such as Jesus' insistence that His followers keep His identity a secret, the book's high regard for women and the truncated resurrection account, Killinger said.

Killinger's church affirms homosexuality as normative and not sinful, and on its homepage has a link dedicated to the "gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgendered community."

More here.
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Wild Fires threaten Saint Herman of Alaska Monastery in Platina, California

His Grace Bishop Maxim of the Western American Diocese urges all of our Orthodox faithful to offer prayers for the protection of the St. Herman of Alaska Serbian Orthodox Monastery in Platina, California. Wild fires are quickly approaching the Monastery grounds and the Monastery is in great danger of being burned down. The Monastic Community has been evacuated and are seeking refuge in the neighboring parish of Redding.

UPDATE: Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 1:07 p.m.

A message from Fr. Damascene of the St. Herman Monastery to His Grace Bishop
Maxim:

Fr. Damascene informed His Grace that he called Platina this morning and was
told that the fire is not spreading in the direction of the Monastery. Fr.
Damascene and Monk Paisius have left to Platina to talk with firefighters and
forest rangers. The other monks will remain in Redding until further notice.

For further UPDATES go here.
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As my boss's father-in-law likes to say: "I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you!"

Take a peek at the updates on the OrthoRomance site.

He's newly wed and still fresh enough in the deal to mention the fish that got away, all the while being tickled pink with the catch God provided.

Or, could be, his wife (the Game Warden) just hasn't clobbered him yet.

By the way, tonight being the night, Happy Honeymoon to all!
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In the past, some have asked for podcast scripts. Due to our Diocesan Parish Life Conference, this week's podcast is an encore presentation from the archives; here it is, at least the majority of it, in written form.

For the full audio version, click HERE.

The question is often asked: "How do we bring Americans to Orthodoxy?" America is a big and complex country made up mostly of people who came from somewhere else. And this query is compounded if you mix in the cultural peculiarities of The South. Now, when I say The South, I am referring to that region formerly referred to as the Confederacy. And, for reality's sake, one must admit that Florida’s been annexed by New York, portions of Virginia resemble Washington, DC, and Texas is, let's be really real, a country unto itself.

Nonetheless, the question arises: "Orthodoxy in the South?" To illustrate, let’s run through a Top Ten List:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE SOUTHERN ORTHODOX WHEN:

Number 10) At Pentecost, your church is decorated with Kudzu.

Number 9) You spell "feast" with only three letters: B B Q.

Number 8) You say "Father," "Barsonuphios," and "Monastery" without any pronouncing an "r."

Number 7) You drive 3 hours to an Orthodox Church. But, could hop, on one foot, with your eyes closed (and a rock in your shoe), to the nearest Baptist Church.

Number 6) Your services are all in English -- at least that's what YOU call it.

Number 5) There are women in your church known as: Photini Beth, Thecla Beth, and Elizabeth Beth.

Number 4) There are men going by: Athanasius Lee, Euphrosynos Lee, and Vasiliy Lee.

Number 3) You got white folks, black folks -- even Democrats -- in your parish, but no Russians, Serbians, Arabs or Greeks.

Number 2) You know someone who knows someone who knows someone with a velvet picture of Elvis celebrating the Last Supper.

AND ... the number one sign that you are an Orthodox Southerner:

You think grits are too good to be considered fasting!

But, in all honesty, though there are cultural differences within this ethnic soup we call Orthodoxy, we’re not as different as it appears. We just use different words to say similar things. For example, in The South we say: “Bless Your Heart.” Someone once said: “A true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway; you just say, ‘Bless her heart’ and go your own way.”

Then again, by adding that Southern phrase – “Bless your heart” – you can say pretty much anything you want. "Oh, look at her, she's put on so much weight. Bless her heart." "He is so lazy, bless his heart." "And, Ugly! Bless his heart.” Well, you get the picture.

Which brings me to the Evil Eye. The belief in the Evil Eye is common to most Mediterranean and Middle-Eastern countries, regardless of education, religion and urban/rural context. In Lebanon it is part and parcel of everyday life, and one wouldn't buy a car without buying a protection along with it.

The Eye is cast by a person, most often involuntarily and unconsciously, through envy or jealousy. So, for instance, a Middle-Eastern lady sees a cute little girl and gushes: “She’s so cute! Ohh. Smallah, smallah, smallah!” First glimpse of that newborn baby? “Smallah, smallah, smallah!” The bride in her bridal gown? “Smallah, smallah, smallah!” The groom in his ill-fitting tux … “Bless his heart.”

Smallah – which means "In the name of God" – is a beautiful habit to protect against the sin of envy. “Bless your heart” is a quirky little prayer, of sorts, to soften hard reality.

In other words, to avoid casting the Eye, people always add "Smallah" ("In the name of God") when they are complimenting someone on their children or possessions. When someone showers one with compliments, he may jokingly say "Stop or you'll hit me with the Eye!" A consequence of this belief is that Lebanese are accustomed not to speak of projects that aren't securely founded yet, lest they be affected.

No different in The South; for instance: “Hush your mouth.” My mom would often say this to me whenever I spoke of some horrible worry or the potential for future disaster: “Hush your mouth, son.” (As if my saying it might just make it happen.)

My point is, dig deeply enough and we’re all the same; the same struggles, the same joys, the same sorrows. The same need. We need salvation. And to achieve that salvation we not only need God, we also need each other. We need the Church. And the Church is made up of nothing but sinners – no matter your ethnicity, no matter your language, social status, or particular illness.

Our Lord said, “Go, make disciples of ALL nations …” Nushkra Allah (Thanks be to God) this is happening – even in Texas, Florida, Virginia and The South. It is no longer foreign – Orthodoxy. Rather, by God’s grace and the patient endurance of those who came before us, the Ancient Faith, once lived primarily by Russians, Serbians, Arabs and Greeks is being joyfully embraced by Rednecks, Plowjocks, and City Folk; not only in the Bible Belt but in the Heartland, the Great Lakes, the Northwest & the Sandwich Islands. Smallah, Smallah, Smallah.

Malo-po-malo (Russian: little by little), by God’s grace, we toil in this vineyard. “Baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit …” and, our Lord continues, “I am with you always … even to the close of the age.”

How do we bring Americans to Orthodoxy? It takes time. It takes patience. It takes perseverance. It takes love, forgiveness and understanding. We all need each other, struggling together within the Church.

I once heard a pal relate his getting a speeding ticket whereupon he asked the officer: “Say, you see all these cars speeding past; out of all these, why me?” The patrolman looked at him and smiled; he said, “Did you ever go fishing?” And before my friend could answer, he continued: “Did you ever catch them all?”

The same held true even for our Lord and the Apostles. Alas, not everyone – Bless Their Hearts – will come Home to the True Faith. As they say in The South, “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” Inchallah (Arabic for “good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise”), malo-po-malo, we’ll make it. Nonetheless, as St John Chrysostom was wont to say, and this works well in any language: “Glory to God for all things.”

Image Source (Daffy Duck doing the evil eye).
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On Wednesday, June 11, 2008, His Eminence, Metropolitan PHILIP received the newly elected and enthroned Metropolitan of the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia, His Eminence, HILARION. His Eminence was elected and enthroned in May as the First Hierarch of the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia at the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Sign in New York City following the death of His Eminence, Metropolitan LAURUS of thrice-blessed memory. Accompanying His Eminence was Protopresbyter Alexander Lebedeff, the Secretary of Inter-Orthodox Relations. Also present from the Antiochian Archdiocese were His Grace, ANTOUN, Bishop of Miami and the Southeast, Archpriest Thomas Zain, Dean of St. Nicholas Cathedral in Brooklyn, NY and Mr. Charles Ajalat, the Archdiocesan Chancellor. Pictures from this historic meeting may be found here.
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Hooray!

ROME - The Vatican has banned the makers of Angels & Demons, the latest Dan Brown thriller to be filmed, from shooting scenes not only in the Vatican but in any church in Rome on the ground that it is "an offense against God" and "wounds common religious feelings".

Archbishop Velasio De Paolis, head of the Vatican's Prefecture for Economic Affairs, said that the author had "turned the Gospels upside down to poison the faith. It would be unacceptable to transform churches into film sets so that his blasphemous novels can be made into mendacious films in the name of business."

Made. My. Day.

Here.
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"Buzz never gives up hope. Even though he has limitations, he never lets that keep him from flying, from serving, from helping … I guess I’m a fan of Buzz Lightyear because of his honesty.”

“Bingo,” he said.

“Bingo?” I replied. “You mean like the dog? B-I-N-G-O ...”

“No,” he said, “I mean BINGO as in you’ve hit on the key to being an Ortho-Man.”

I must have looked at him strangely, for he continued:

“Describe your vision of Ortho-Man for me.”

Well, repeating the words of my friend Elijah:

Ortho-man wears the super-suit mentioned in Ephesians 6:13-17, the armor of God. I am going to explain his armor ...

The waist belt of truth: It's equipment will stop lies about Christians.

The breastplate of righteousness: Ortho-man's most powerful weapon, used only when the Orthodox world is almost hopeless.

The shoes of peace: a slight kick from the shoes of peace will stop a war faring enemy.

The shield of faith: It's defense depends on how many believers are around you.

The helmet of salvation: With this on, you can catch yourself from making a life changing sin.

The sword of the spirit: This sword will deliver hard, stunning blows filled with Christ's power!


“Nice,” he said. “But, essentially, Ortho-Man is clothed with ...


The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.
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New York, NY -- On Monday June 9th, Archbishop Demetrios of America welcomed His Eminence Metropolitan Hilarion, the newly enthroned First Hierarch of the Russian Orthodox Church Outside Russia (ROCOR) at the Archdiocese Headquarters in New York City. This meeting between the two Primates follows on a new relationship between the Churches occasioned by the reunification of ROCOR with the Moscow Patriarchate in May of 2007. Archbishop Demetrios had already sent a congratulatory letter to Metropolitan Hilarion after his election as First Hierarch (Primate) of ROCOR, which also invited him to the Archdiocese.

Metropolitan Hilarion was accompanied by the Very Rev. Protopriest Alexander Lebedeff, Secretary of Inter-Orthodox Relations. During the 90 minute meeting with the Archbishop, who is also the Chairman of the Standing Conference of the Canonical Orthodox Bishops in the Americas (SCOBA), the discussions focused around the new reality of ROCOR in the Pan-Orthodox environment of America. Also present at the meeting were the Chancellor of the Archdiocese, Bishop Savas of Troas, Father Mark Arey, Director of Inter-Orthodox Relations and Archdeacon Pandeleimon Papadopoulos.

Pic Source (has absolutely nothing to do with the story)
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During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the church. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the church office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)

___ Talking section

___ No talking section

___ Snob section


2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:)

___ General gossip

___ Specific gossip:
_____________________________________

___ The big priest

___ The little priest

___ How wonderful the former priest was

___ The chanter

___ The choir director

___ The Presbytera (Khouria, Matushka)

___ Fashion news

___ What others are wearing

___ What others are not wearing

___ Your neighbors

___ Your relatives

___ Your neighbors' relatives

___ Other: _______________________________


3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?

___ Doctor

___ Dentist

___ Child psychiatrist

___ Mother in law

___ Podiatrist

___ Chiropractor

___ Stockbroker

___ Accountant

___ Lawyer

___ Real estate agent

___ Architect

___ Plumber

___ Buyer (Specify store: _______________________ )

___ Golf pro

___ Other: ____________________________


4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)

___ On the aisle

___ Near the exit

___ Near the window

___ Near the bathroom

___ Near my in-laws

___ As far away from my in-laws as possible

___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible

___ Near single men

___ Near available women

___ Where I can hear the choir

___ Where I cannot possibly hear the choir

___ Where no one can see/hear me talking during services

___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services

___ Where no one can see/hear me talking or me sleeping during the sermon
(note: additional charge)


5. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________ __________________________ ________________________ __________________________ _________________________ __________________________

Your name: _________________________________

Building fund pledge: __________________________


Slightly edited; thanks to FWD from a couple priests who shall remain anonymous. Of course, those of you who worship without pews or chairs can, no doubt, stand each other. :)

Image Source
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Believe me, when I solicited views from the Ancient Faith Radio audience concerning Ortho-Man, I had no idea what I was getting myself into!
Just for fun, I have incorporated all of those emails within this week’s podcast. Thanks to all who sent suggestions.

So, there I was with my guide, Genie, when the theater lights darkened and, on the screen, just like in the real movies, they showed a trailer of an upcoming feature --

A strange movie where the superhero wore a garland around his head, a toga, and sported golden skin. This superhero fed on a steady diet of lamb, grapes and olive oil -- all the while battling the evil forces that bedeviled him.

Those of you who’ve been to the movies since Memorial Day have, no doubt, guessed it.

It was Hellas Boy II

Hellas – as in Greek for Greece.

Hellas Boy II

Anyway ...

It was time for the opening scene of Ortho-Man …

First, the theme song -- which was kind of a rip-off, but the music went something like this …


The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.

Image Source
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"Let us even now establish this rule, that no hearer be permitted to applaud in the midst of any person’s discourse, but if he needs to admire the homily let him admire in silence…it is far better that one’s hearer, having listened in silence, should by his memory throughout all time applaud."

-- St John Chrysostom, Homily 30 on Acts

Stolen from the new blog of Fr Josiah Trehham.
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Father bless!

Hello from Dr. Earworm himself. I'm in Liverpool at the moment, where Paul McCartney gave a concert the other night of earworm after earworm after earworm. Wow. Then my friends and koumbaroi started directing me to your podcast - a gem of wisdom in the guise of insanity, just in time to save my sanity! Thanks for your work, for your good humor, and for the honorable mention in your podcast. Leanne is absolutely correct - I borrowed the term "earworm" from German. Christus ist auferstanden! (That's a joyful greeting, but - forgive me - when I hear it in German I feel like running for cover!)

-- James Kellaris

UPDATE (5/13/09) ... Here's the revised podcast!
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Honestly, I post this not to solicit comments (PLEASE!) but for a laugh (note date in bold).

In this April 13, 2008, file photo Democratic presidential hopeful, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., shakes hands with Democratic presidential hopeful, Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., during a forum in Grantham, Pa. According to campaign officials, Clinton is expected to concede that Barack Obama has the delegates to secure the Democratic nomination, Tuesday night, June 3, 3008, effectively ending her bid to be the nation's first female president.
(Emphasis mine.)

The source is linked, below -- no doubt, they may fix it before long. Then again, knowing Hillary, it may be a direct quote!

UPDATE: The link has, indeed, changed.

Source
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