ORTHODIXIE ... Southern, Orthodox, Convert, Etc.

As I was walking down the street one day
A man came up to me and asked me what the time was that was
on my watch, yeah
And I said
Does anybody really know what time it is
I don't
Does anybody really care
care
If so I can't imagine why
about time
We've all got time enough to cry
Oh no, no

You’ll show your age, of course, if you recognize those classic lyrics by the 70’s rock back Chicago – back when bands actually had a horn section.

Or, remember typewriters?

“Now is the time for all good men to come to the aide of their country.”

Or -- remember when there were only 3 TV channels (not counting PBS) and the nightly news always had that clackedy-clack sound of the busy typewriters in the background?

Okay, so I’m showing my age. But it’s never too late to be a fool.

So, how 'bout this: “Happy New Year!” (Uh, more on that later.)

Does anybody really know what time it is?

Yes, it’s that time of year again: Time when no one knows what time it is.

But it’s also time, most especially, for April Fools.

For the TIME being … let’s talk about TIME.

Most of us recently set our clocks ahead one hour. Why? Because our calendars said to, that’s why! I mean, did you have a say – a vote – in this loss of an hour’s sleep a few weeks back? Absolutely not. You were told by the news reader, your calendar, your teachers, bosses, even priests & bishops to:

SET YOUR CLOCKS AHEAD ONE HOUR BEFORE GOING TO BED ONE SATURDAY NIGHT.

Think about that a second. See, I can’t escape from using words like “second” to talk about time!

We spend a lot of time talking about time, and I say it’s about, uh, time that we get a little foolish …

Yes, it’s time for April Fools.

But more on the origin of April Fools, ahem, later.

So, here’s the plan, this year for April Fools I’m calling on all Orthodox Christians to ask questions like a Protestant.

You know how those outside of the Church are always asking questions like:

“Orthodoxy … hmmm. How’s that different than, say, Methodist or Baptist?”

And, if you’re like most Orthodox, you’re kinda stumped as to how to answer -- not, necessarily, because you are ignorant about Orthodoxy. But, it’s just like: Gee … where to begin?

(Look at that – begin – another time word.)

So, this April my friends, beginning April 13th or so, go up to your Protestant friends and say:

“Hey Charles, what are you planning to do for Easter?”

Charles will most likely say: “Well, huh? You know we went to the beach over Easter break.”

Or, if he’s a churchy Protestant, he might say: “What? We celebrated Easter already.”

Then you follow up with: “O really. Why did y’all celebrate it so early this year?”

Now, face it, truth be known most people celebrate Easter according to Hallmark. That’s right. Whenever their wall calendar says the word EASTER, that’s when it is. (It’s like Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Day Light Saving time – if it’s on the Hallmark calendar, then that’s when it is!)

But, you my dear April Fools, can say: “Oh, I see, you celebrate Easter according to the Pope … right?”

That’ll be a good conversation starter with your Baptist friends!

But more on that later …

As an Orthodox priest, I often get questions from Protestant inquirers such as: “What version of the Bible do y’all use?”

(Orthodox, by the way, never ask this question.)

As a side story … a while back our parish librarian reported that two Orthodox Study Bibles had gone missing from the parish library. We looked everywhere. Then it dawned on me. I said, “Look! If Orthodox people are stealing Bibles … that’s a good sign!”

You know the old Baptist trick where the pastor stands in front of the congregation and says, “Turn with me now to Second Hezachiah Chapter 3 …?”

(I didn’t think so. Orthodox never get that joke. They always ask their neighbor: “What page?”)

Oh heck, while we’re at it -- being fools this April --ask your Protestant friends how Peter died. They’ll most likely say that he was crucified upside down. Then ask them to show you where that is recorded in the Bible.

Anyway, when I’m asked “What version of the Bible do the Orthodox use?” I usually reply: “Predominantly the Greek, but millions use the Slavonic.”

Be creative this week, my dear April Fools!

For instance, on or about April 15th …

B-b-b-rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ing …..

“Hello, Second Baptist Church …”

“Yes, uh, what calendar do y’all use?”

“I’m sorry … what? What calendar do we use?”

“Yes … I mean, do y’all use the Pope’s calendar?”

“Oh, no sir, we’re Baptist.”

“Oh good … well then, what time are your Easter services?”

“Uh … sir, we’ve already celebrated Easter on April 12th … but our Sunday service is at ...”

And I was walking down the street one day
A pretty lady looked at me and said her diamond watch had
stopped cold dead
And I said
Does anybody really know what time it is
I don't
Does anybody really care
care
If so I can't imagine why
about time
We've all got time enough to cry
Oh no, no

Yes, we’ve all got time enough to cry.

But, why are we crying one hour later this week than we did last month? Why, in other words, did we all change our clocks, moving it ahead one hour?

As with all things confusing, we must start in France …

During his time as an American envoy to France, Benjamin Franklin, author of the proverb, "Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise", anonymously published a letter suggesting that Parisians economize on candles by rising earlier to use morning sunlight. Franklin wrote a satire proposed taxing shutters, rationing candles, and waking the public by ringing church bells and firing cannons at sunrise.

The prominent English builder and outdoorsman William Willett invented DST in 1905 during one of his pre-breakfast horseback rides, when he observed with dismay how many Londoners slept through the best part of a summer day. An avid golfer, he also disliked cutting short his round at dusk. His solution was to advance the clock during the summer months, a proposal he published two years later. He lobbied unsuccessfully for the proposal until his death in 1915.

Germany, its World War I allies, and their occupied zones were the first European nations to use Willett's invention, starting April 30, 1916. Britain, most of its allies, and many European neutrals soon followed suit; Russia and a few other countries waited until the next year; and the United States adopted it in 1918. Since then, the world has seen many enactments, adjustments, and repeals.

Source

In the end, changing the clocks is just good for commerce. But we really can’t change time can we?

The earth rotates on its axis, roughly 24 hours = one day. It circles the sun, roughly a 365 day trip = one year (365.24219 days, to be exact).

Then, how do we come up with the date for Easter – or PASCHA? And what does this have to do with April Fools?

First, Pascha. Anytime you ask someone who actually knows the answer to how the Orthodox date the annual celebration of Our Lord’s Glorious Resurrection , the answer leaves the following impression:

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, the vernal equinox … ZZZZZzzzzzz ... carry the two ... ZZZZZZZZZ … multiply by x to the third power … ZZZZZzzzzzz ... add a Sunday … ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ...

I will not bore you with a full, exact and 100% correct answer (you can look that up on the Internet), except to say:

Orthodox tradition dictates that Pascha is celebrated after the Vernal Equinox (the first full moon of spring) which, for convenience, is dated at March 21st -- but, according to the Julian Calendar reckoning, which is April 7th. Also, our Paschal celebration follows that of the Jewish Passover -- and yet, the Jews have even had some calendar reforms which complicates understanding even more.

Which brings us to the origin of April Fools … and I quote from an article written by Fr George Kevorkian:

And I was walking down the street one day
Being pushed and shoved by people trying to beat the clock,
oh, so I just don't know,
I just don't know
And I said, yes I said

Oops, wrong quote. Here we go:

The historical origin of April Fool’s day actually deals with a very serious subject – the introduction of a new calendar. Ancient cultures as varied as the Romans and the Hindus had celebrated New Year’s Day on April 1, which is closely related to the start of Spring. In medieval times, much of Europe celebrated New Year’s Day on March 25th, the Feast of the Annunciation. In 1582, Pope Gregory ordered a new calendar, which has come to be known as the Gregorian Calendar to replace the older Julian Calendar. This new calendar called for New Year’s Day to be celebrated on January 1, instead of April 1. Many countries, however, resisted the change for centuries. Those who had accepted the change began to refer to the resisters as “fools” and would send them on fools errands, or try to trick them. In 1752, Great Britain finally adopted the Gregorian Calendar, but retained April 1 as a day for trickery.

Fr George encourages us to become a different kind of fool:

As Orthodox Christians we are called to become fools to the things of this world, as a means of drawing closer to the things of God. We read in the teachings of St. Paul:

“Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.” (1 Corinthians 3:18-19)

There is much “wisdom” in this world that we would be very wise to ignore. It may appear to be true, and even seductive, but this earthly wisdom denies God. Our only measure of true wisdom must be found in Christ, and we can only truly approach Him to the extent that we abandon the wisdom of this world that is in opposition to Him. It is in this sense that St. Paul calls us to become fools to this world, so that we may become wise to the things of God.

The Orthodox Church commemorates many Saints who took up the ascetic struggle of being “fools-for-Christ”. Two of the notable Saints are Andrew, Fool-for Christ-sake, and Basil, Fool-for-Christ-sake of Moscow. Both of these wonderful people led their lives appearing to be “insane” to the world as a means of putting aside the things of this world for the sake of drawing nearer to Christ. They wandered the streets of their cities hungry and half-naked so that they appeared to the world as outcasts. But in their “insanity” to this world, they became a consolation to others, and were given the gifts of prophecy and discernment.

It is especially relevant that this secular day of “April Fools” comes during the Orthodox Great Fast. In this Holy Season, we are called to turn away from the many distractions of the world, and to turn toward God. It is in this turning away from the distractions of the world that we indeed are called to become fools.

Previously published on the Antiochian webpage (copied here).

So, forgive me. I guess it’s not fitting for us, as Orthodox Christians, to act as worldly fools or to cause confusion during this time of April Fools because, even though the lyrics are 30 years old, they still hold true:

People runnin' everywhere
Don't know the way to go
Don't know where I am
Can't see past the next step
Don't have to think past the last mile
Have no time to look around
Just run around, run around and think why
Does anybody really know what time it is
I don't
Does anybody really care
care
If so I can't imagine why
about time
We've all got time enough to die
Oh no, no

Time enough to die. How true. But, until that time -- thanks God -- we all have time enough to repent. Dying to self, repentance, turning to Christ, repentance, dying with Christ that we may yet Rise with him …

That’s really what time it is!

At this point in the Fast, as we hasten toward that Empty Tomb and the light of Pascha …

Forgive me if I get a little old fashioned and say: Happy New Year!


April Fools.

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Wait a minute! This Orthodixie Podcast sounds as familiar as an old song ... Check it out!

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.

Still pecking away, finishing up a manuscript, prayers coveted.

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Another podcast script found while digging through files ...

So I’m filling the car with gas on my way to Vespers last Saturday when a woman approaches me saying she’s on her way to church and asks if I can spare two dollars.

I said, “Sure – what, you need some candle money?”

“Oh no, she replies, I’m gonna get a cup of coffee.”

As I give her the dough, I ask: “Your church charges for coffee?”

“You betcha! We even have buh-REE-stuhs now! It’s much better than those worldly coffee joints -- what, you know, I mean, it’s like: Coffee and the Lord!”

At this point, I got a queasy feeling and stammered: “Uh, you wouldn’t happen to be Eastern Orthodox would you?”

“Oh no, silly!” She said. “I’m a Vanilla Jordan-Water, Spirit-infused, Forever-with-the-Lord Frappuccino Christian! I like ‘em with a Cherry on top! Heehee!”

With that, she thanked me – and hurried off,

Now, ahem, don’t get me wrong: I like coffee and all. But … hmmm.

Which got me thinking: Coffee AND the Lord? This gal couldn’t wait to get to her church for the coffee. And, knowing how Converts can be so very zealous for their new found Faith, I was hoping she wasn’t Orthodox.

You know what would happen, dontcha?

That’s right, someone being too cute by half would name the blends after Saints:

You’d have the St Thomas Cup … so good for ya you’d doubt it was Real.

The St Augustine Blend … it starts out a little bitter, but finishes good.

The St Nicholas Nip … guaranteed to make you love children and slap a heretic.

The St Maximos the Confessor Cup … so strong, you’ll be the last one standing.

Seven Sleepers of Ephesus … ahem, Decaf!

Sinner that I am, I’d, no doubt, stick with the ol’ standby: St Moses the Black.

But, this is just a fantasy do not try this at your church!

Which reminds me … a friend of mine once ordered a drink at a fancy restaurant, saying: “I’ll have a Bloody Mary without the Vodka please.”

The waiter said, “Oh! You want a Virgin Mary!”

“No,” he replied. “The Virgin Mary is the mother of the Creator of the Universe. I just want some spicy tomato juice minus the alcohol !”

Honestly though, in our churches, some people dread the Coffee Hour that follows Liturgy -- not because we serve just plain ol’ regular and decaf, but for other reasons. Like, oh, you know: the people!

For example, a while back, I received an email for someone stating:

I find coffee hour to be the most uncomfortable part of church-going. The homily or sermon runs a close second, because you never know what will be said … Coffee hour is more like a myriad of mini-sermons and homilies going off all around you, and so often they can be far more unsettling than anything occurring at the front of the Church ...

Well! At least the sermon’s not ranked first worst!

The author goes on …

Some [at coffee hour] want to talk about other religions, usually with negative anecdotes, jokes, or stereotypes. Often they’ll claim they “can”, because they used to be part of such religions, or have family members that are. Somehow it is then felt that any such behavior is justified. This is particularly poisonous in mission environments, but really anywhere, since almost anyone may have family or friends who are adherents. For these folk, though, the Faith is about being in the right group. Some want to talk about jurisdictional differences, in essentially the same way. Others prefer to frame it as Christianity vs. the world, but too often the world is fitted with unfair and unproductive stereotypes, and it becomes just another excuse for belittling “them”, whoever them happens to be.

In the immortal words of E.T. – OUCH. I mean, I often resemble this criticism. But, in my defense, never so much at Coffee Hour as in, say, Catechism Class. Forgive me; it’s a common temptation for those in ecclesiastical recovery (i.e., zealous converts).

Yet, his complaints against Coffee Hour continue …

The “political” want to talk about events in the diocese as an institution, often citing what “we” (by which they mean some informal faction or power group) want to accomplish, and frequently referencing some problem that needs to be fixed. If you didn’t know better, you might think these folks were appointing priests, the way they talk about making sure the “right” attitudes, or “right” groups are favored, and we keep the “wrong” attitudes and groups from gaining ground. The Faith, for these folks, is about the triumph of one faction over another. The collectors of pedigrees will approach you and request your bio or “conversion story”: “cradle or convert?” “how long?” “where?” “how?” “with whom?” They want to understand your “place” in terms of a grid of credentials, biographical facts, trivialities, and presumably other factors, often to determine your compatibility with themselves.

“We like to meet others in the Faith who (share a particular credential).” It really is an American, Protestant-inspired way to approach meeting people, so you can’t really question it without seeming to question innocent attempts to get to know you - i.e. hospitality itself. The fact is, however, it reflects the attitudes of a particular cultural group in a particular period of history, and makes a lot of the rest of us uncomfortable. At it’s heart, though, it is suggesting that the Faith is primarily about conversion, and the facts, attitudes, and concepts associated with it. Again, the Faith is seen as a matter of becoming a member in the right group. The cult of personality types want to talk about the priest. “Isn’t he wonderful?” Or the bishop. “Have you met him? He’s wonderful.” If the priest happens to be out of town, they make repeated and profuse apologies, as though somehow prayer was less than the fullness of prayer, because the priest was absent. You’ll often hear these folks throw around words like “authority”, “obedience”, and “submission” when they disagree with something.

The other version of these are the ones who are discussing how wonderful someone is as a means of discussing the flaws of a lot of other people. They’re setting up comparisons. The assertion is that the Faith is about being connected to the right personalities, or power structure (the word authority is often thought to mean the same thing as power, and so is used in that way.

The builders want to talk logistics: headcount, the building program, funding, construction, delivery, manpower. The result of their labours may be good, but they’re conveying an attitude: the Faith is matter of growth, numbers, and building of institutions - of getting from point A to point B. Again, they may be doing very good work, but they’re also the ones counting heads, tallying everything - they’re the most likely to interrupt your prayers to shake your hand, talking over reader, choir, or priest if necessary, believing it will make you feel welcome.

There is also the mundane approach, which can be a little more palatable. Some want to talk about the four keys: job, house, family, vehicle, and the things necessary for acquisition, upkeep, and maintenance on these. They’ll talk about the office, the new gutters and landscaping, the son’s soccer team and the last family camping vacation, and the benefits of the new dual cab truck. Nothing wrong with these things, but often the complete absence of any discussion of the day’s prayers, readings, hymns, psalms, etc., the almost glaring absence, makes this approach notable. It screams out by its omissions.

There are the quasi-scholars, also. These are trying to have a discussion about the actual goal of the Faith, union with the Creator, but it so often is lost in a discussion of this or that book or writer or, again, authority or personality. It’s not much different than when adolescents discuss the musical groups they like. This or that person gives me a particular feeling when reading it; I heard that author has “problems” or is influenced by this “school” of doctrine. This is easily related to the discussion of issues. Should we or should we not engage in ___ controversial practice. Did you hear so and so speak; he said ___; do you think that’s true? And often these pet theories attributed to various persons become a platform for one’s own pet theories: “Personally, I don’t fast, because I don’t think ____.” It isn’t a discussion of the Faith, but a discussion of items appearing on a menu of Faith, and which ones I prefer or don’t eat. The Faith, in this approach, is a matter of personal theories and individual positions.

The other kind of “political” crowd wants to talk about campaigns, wars, and events in the governmental politics of the homeland, with an invariably tacit assumption that there is a particular correspondence between the articles of Faith and certain platforms of politics. They may be going off in favor of a war, or about welfare, or about “liberals”, or about thinking this or that candidate is a “man of god”. Which god? So often the positions being described are in fact the diametrical opposite of the words Jesus spoke in His Sermon on the Mount. One might suspect that’s why the correspondence of religion and a particular political platform is generally assumed or implied rather than asserted explicitly. There’s probably a place for organizing activism and engagement with the culture in a Church, but perhaps it isn’t actually during coffee hour. The danger here is in creating an atmosphere in which it feels impossible to adhere to the Faith without adhering to a political agenda that presumably represents it. On rare occasions, you’ll find a discussion of praxis or of the meaning of the Faith. The Faith, in this discussion, will be its own justification for conversation. Too easily, however, these discussions descend into occasions for pride of expression or experience. The moment you hear “God just spoke to my heart”, you know you’re in the midst of this type. No, he didn’t. If it was private, and happened to you, it was private and for you. If it happened at all. These things are best worked out with one’s confessor and spiritual counsellor and parent.

My advice? Say nothing. Drink your coffee, move around a lot, leave early, remain alert and circumspect, and try to stay as silent as the grave when at all possible. And immerse yourself in the pieties of your Faith. Pray a lot. Liturgize a lot. Stay out of the other stuff. At least, that’s what I’m doing my best to do.

Now here’s where, thanks to the witness of Church History and my own personal struggles, I have to disagree with my fellow Misanthrope. Look, this whole Coffee-Hour thing used to be part of the Liturgy … well, almost. You see, a meal was part and parcel of the Eucharist in the early days of the Church:

These love feasts were apparently a full meal, with each participant bringing their own food, and with the meal eaten in a common room. Early Christianity observed a ritual meal known as the "agape feast" held on Sundays which became known as the Day of the Lord, to recall the resurrection, the appearance of Christ to the disciples on the road to Emmaus, the appearance to Thomas and the Pentecost which all took place on Sundays after the Passion. Jude, and the apostle Paul referred to these as "your love-feasts", by way of warning (about "who shows up" to these). Following the meal, as at the Last Supper, the apostle, bishop or priest prayed the words of institution over bread and wine which was shared by all the faithful present. In the later half of the first century, especially after the martyrdom of Peter and Paul, passages from the writings of the apostles were read and preached upon before the blessing of the bread and wine took place.

Such meals were widespread, though not universal, in the early Christian world. The earliest account of what can be seen as one of them is that in 1 Corinthians 11:20-22, where it appears associated with, and given the name of, the celebration of the Lord's Supper. The service apparently involved a full meal, with the participants bringing their own food but eating in a common room. Perhaps predictably enough, it could at times deteriorate into merely an occasion for eating and drinking, or for ostentatious displays by the wealthier members of the community, as happened in Corinth, drawing the criticisms of Saint Paul in the passage mentioned.

Over time – especially in the 4th and 7th centuries – rules or canons were even written to try and temper the bad behavior prevalent at some of these Church meals.

Source

So here we are, where we are. Some contemporary Christian groups participate in Agape meals on rare occasions, to experience this historical form of the Eucharist. Many Christians, however, after celebrating the Eucharist, now routinely participate in a sharing of light refreshments and conversation in an informal gathering that is functionally an Agape. This post-Eucharistic gathering is often called "fellowship hour" or "coffee hour" and is regarded by many clergy as a particularly opportune time for engaging adults in Christian education.

As one priest has noted …

Having a communal meal after the liturgy is an ancient practice that goes back to the time of the Apostles, and is mentioned in several places in the New Testament, where it is spoken of as the “agape meal” or “love feast”. This meal and the fellowship that goes with it, is an extension of the liturgy, and so all who can stay should do so. We live in a part of the country in which we encounter few Orthodox Christians outside of the context of Church, and so we need to endeavor to strengthen our relationships with one another. The parish is an extended family, and we should work to make our ties with each other strong, so that we may encourage one another to live for Christ, in a world in which that is increasingly difficult to do.

Essentially, the Liturgy is not over after we leave the confines of divine service of the Church.

Rather, the Trapeza -- meal -- even Coffee Hour is very much a part of our communal life together in Christ.

True, it might not be as ordered, uplifting – or DIVINE – as our Eucharistic worship; I mean, hey, that’s why it found it’s way to the Parish Hall in the first place. But it is still part and parcel of our walk with each other in Christ.

Listen: Whether you’re a Vanilla Jordan-Water, Spirit-infused, Forever-with-the-Lord Frappuccino kinda Christian – or just plain ol’ hot-n-black, our time to work this all out together is brief, especially over coffee after Liturgy.

All are welcome. Those who think otherwise might want to, oh, try a little spicy tomato juice sans alcohol – or, at least, lay off the coffee.

Many thanks to OrthoPraxy.

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God being my helper, I shall be with the fine folks of St George, El Paso, for a Lenten Retreat this weekend.

Blog updates, podcast, and comment approval shall be delayed. Prayers coveted.

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The Feast of the Annunciation & the Veneration of the Cross

This year the two feasts coincide: Wednesday of the Fourth Week of Lent, the Week of the Cross, is March 25th, the Annunciation. In her wisdom, the Church calls for the Holy Cross to be placed on an analogion in the center of the nave throughout this middle week of Lent so that we, who are likely at this point to be fatigued by fasting and in danger of faltering, may be encouraged and strengthened in our resolve to keep the Fast.

This year, for the single day of the Annunciation, the icon of this Great Feast will also be set out on an analogion …

What a remarkable combination! In the icon we see the Angel Gabriel announcing to Mary the unbelievable good news that God has chosen to enter His world and become one of us through her; and right next to this icon we see the Cross, the instrument of torture and death by means of which the world killed this very Man.

The icon tells us the astonishing truth that the Creator of the Universe cares about us, and more than that, loves us! And simultaneously the Cross tells us the even more astonishing truth that He loves us so much as to willingly die a brutal death for us- because that is what it takes for us to inherit life. In the Tradition of the Church the connection between these two- the Annunciation and the Crucifixion- has long been the subject of deep reflection and mystical contemplation.

In the hymnography of the Church there is a large category of stichera and troparia to the Mother of God standing at the foot of the Cross; stavrotheotokia they are called. They turn up in the daily services on Wednesdays and Fridays throughout the year. If one opens the Matins service appointed exactly for this midde day of Lent, one will find this Stavrotheotokion:

The all-holy Virgin Mother of God the Word cried weeping and lamenting: "Such are the good tidings of joy that Gabriel brought me. Go forth then, Child, to fulfil the secret counsel of the divine plan of salvation.”

Mother Victoria, Abbess – St. Barbara Orthodox Monastery

Taken from Fr Josiah's Blog.

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Feverishly working toward completion of a manuscript, cleaning out old files, I came across the following interview which originally aired on Ancient Faith Radio:

"I’ve just been informed that our special guest today, Dr Barsanuphius Indadark has just arrived: Dr Indadark! Pleasure to see you, come on in … have a seat.”

Woof! Woof!

"Oh! I see you’ve brought along your dog!"

Woof!

"Dr Indadark? Hold on a sec … what’s that?"

My secretary has just informed me that Dr Indadark can’t hear a word I’m saying … because he’s deaf!

"Are you serious? He can’t hear me? Well, that’s just great! You scheduled a radio interview with a man who can’t communicate! What? Hang on …"

[He’s making some sort of signs here.]

"What?"

[Sigh.]

"Dr Indadark, they say, is fluent in Sign Language. Oh my … I don’t "speak" sign language! Arrrrrrrrrgh! Forgive me, dear listeners, I shouldn’t get so upset. It’s just that, well, I feel a bit handicapped for this interview. Oh wait … he’s making some more hand motions ... Does anyone around here understand Sign Language?"

Sigh.

"Oh great … what did he say?"

"Unh-huh … unh-huh. Oh sure! The book! -- Ladies and Gentlemen, forgive me, in my angry outburst I’d forgotten that our special guest, noted theologian Dr Barsanuphios Indadark brought along his new book. So, without further ado, especially since I can’t communicate with him …"

WOOF WOOF!

"I can at least read to you excerpts from his new book entitled … entitled … Oh for goodness sake! Y’all? Hello! This book is written in Braille! BRAILLE! I can’t … Arrgggh!"

WooF WooF!

Oh, wait … Dr Indadark is scribbling a note here: "Now … You …. Know … How … We … Feel."

Hmmm.

"Well, he does have a point … I mean, if we speak in a language that people don’t understand, it is hard to communicate …"

Bwwwwwwwwwuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmm ...

Uh-uh! The power just went out. It’s pitch black here at the Orthodixie studios. I can’t see a thing!

"Hello?! Dr Indadark!"

(Oh great, he can’t hear me.)

WOOF WOOF

I don’t even know his dog’s name ...

Nice doggie; you’re a good boy …

WOOF!

And do you know what happened next? It was amazing. Though the studio was totally pitch black and I couldn’t see a thing, that dog grabbed my sleeve with his teeth and led my hand to the arm of Dr Indadark who, being blind, was – of course – accustomed to the dark and, thanks to him and the dog, we walked out of that dark studio into the light of day.

As soon as we got outside, that dog ran off to play and Dr Barsanuphios Indadark, in a clear voice, said: “Ah! Fresh Air!”

I said, “You can talk?!”

“Of course I can talk,” he said. “Why are you so shocked?”

“Well,” I said, “because you were using Sign Language in the studio and your book is written in Braille!”

That’s when he said, “No biggie. I speak three languages. You know what you call someone who speaks two languages?”

“Uh," I said, "bilingual?”

“What do you call someone who speaks three languages?”

“Trilingual?”

Then he said, “You know what you call someone who speaks only one language?

-- American!"

Ha!

(He did have a point there.)

Then, much to my surprise, he removed the dark glasses and could apparently see me as clearly as I could him.

"What the …?"

He said, “You know, the language of the Church is the language of love. As St Paul says, if we don’t have love we’re just making noise (regardless of the language we use). Some churches use the language of their native land as if it were a badge of honor – as if the church is somehow more special if there’s a whole bunch of foreign words found in their praises …

In my opinion this is not much different than those Protestant bodies placing great stock in glossilalia – speaking in tongues. St Paul said to just plain cut it out unless you also had an interpreter.

Then again, this is a diverse nation, America, sorely in need of the True Faith of Orthodoxy. It seems a shame to spread the Word in only one tongue. We should use all talents at our disposal; yes, even Sign Language and Braille.

But, come to think of it, the King’s English will do – even if it’s spiced up with smatterings of Greek, Slavonic, or Arabic. It ain’t gon’ hurt nobody."

That’s when I said, “It ain’t gon’ hurt nobody? Why, Dr Indadark, where did you learn to speak like that?”

He said, “You think you’re the only one ever been to the South?”

And with that, he walked off, whistling Dixie, calling after his Dog, (that’s when I learned the dog’s name) -- good grief: “Sherman!”

Funny thing is, Dr Indadark made a lot of sense. Come to think of it: smiles, laughter, tears, hugs, pats on the back, and approving nods -- these -- and more, are the same in any language. Even dogs and babies seem to communicate – with love!

The Apostle Paul writes …

Now I want you all to speak in tongues, but even more to prophesy. He who prophesies is greater than he who speaks in tongues, unless some one interprets, so that the church may be edified.

Now, brethren, if I come to you speaking in tongues, how shall I benefit you unless I bring you some revelation or knowledge or prophecy or teaching?

I thank God that I speak in tongues more than you all;

In the law it is written, "By men of strange tongues and by the lips of foreigners will I speak to this people, and even then they will not listen to me, says the Lord."

Thus, tongues are a sign not for believers but for unbelievers, while prophecy is not for unbelievers but for believers.

If, therefore, the whole church assembles and all speak in tongues, and outsiders or unbelievers enter, will they not say that you are mad?

So, my brethren, earnestly desire to prophesy, and do not forbid speaking in tongues ...

That’s St Paul in One Corinthians, Chapter 14. You might wanna read it again, through Orthodox glasses (especially those of you who are frustrated that your local church worships in a "foreign language").

But, over and above these, is the greatest language of all – the one even babies and dogs know instinctively: Love.

LOVE.

Again, St Paul: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal."

Look, there are books and bulletins, classes and weekly repetition to help us understand the Liturgy – no matter the language!

But, lacking love, even being spoon fed in our Native Tongue will not overcome our great loss.

Whatever our language skills – three tongues, two tongues, or the favorite among Anglo Americans – ONE; without love, it’s all just noisy gibberish anyway.

Tongues won’t save you.

Love will.

Halleluiah!

For Ancient Faith Radio, this is the Abouna Yosef Ossalossa – er, I mean, Fr Joseph Huneycutt.

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Chicago is a big town with lots of churches and it’s a virtual Baskin-Robbins of Orthodoxy! They have 21 Greek parishes, not to mention the Russians, Arabs, and Serbs.

Be that as it may, I couldn’t believe my eyes when, traveling there recently, riding down the road on the way to a Lenten Retreat, I thought I saw a billboard saying:

O.U.C.H. – Orthodox Urgent Care Hospital … Your complete health recovery center for those little accidents which happen in the one big Church.

I asked my driver, Nick Avramopolis, if we could stop in there for a look-see.

“Where?” he asked.

I said, “I thought I saw a billboard advertising an Orthodox Urgent Care Hospital.”

“Hmmm,” he said, “Oh yeah, it’s a pretty big place. We’ll try to squeeze it in on the way back to the airport.”

As we drove around, trying to find a place to park at a local restaurant, Nick asked if I’d heard about the shocking story coming out of Pennsyltucky, Louisiana and the Parish of St George.

I had not; so, he said: “The new priest there, Fr Bill Genatitokosopolasiski caused quite a stir recently when he instituted unheard of changes in the liturgical and communal life of the parish.”

First there was the collection of all cell phones, iPhones, pagers, and other electronic gadgets from people as they were entering the church ...

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.

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I'm currently hastening toward a deadline on a new book and cleaning out old files. In the process, I came across the following portion of a podcast script from September 2008.

Religion as Baseball

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.

Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.

Quakers won't swing.

Unitarians can catch anything.

Amish walk a lot.

Pagans sacrifice.

Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.

Televangelists get caught stealing.

Episcopalians pass the plate.

Evangelicals make effective pitches.

Fundamentalists balk.

Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.

Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.

Baptists want to play hardball.

Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.

The Pope claims never to have committed an error.

Those came from an email sent to me by a Roman Catholic friend.

So I made up one for the Orthodox:

The Orthodox claim their rules are older, but no one can agree on the date of the game ... (the size of the bases, whether to have bleachers, beer on fasting days, the number of strikes, the length of the games, color of uniforms, how many teams are in the league ... ) etc.

Back in 1992, just before graduating seminary, I was serving as Seminarian at a wonderful parish, Grace Episcopal Church, Sheboygan, Wisconsin, under Fr Andrew Sloane. Part of my duties was teaching Junior High Sunday school,populated by a very bright group of young kids.

As my days as a seminarian were numbered, Fr Sloane had hired a replacement and was touring him around to the various classrooms one Sunday to introduce him.

When I heard of this, I quickly said: “Okay guys, here’s what we’re going to do, we’re going to play a trick on the new guy, Douglas.”

I then chose three of the brightest pupils and asked them to ask some hard questions of the new seminarian. I told one gal some details about the controversy around the Filioque Clause and its role in the Great Schism …

To another, I imparted data on the Roman Catholic understanding of Transubstantiation and Martin Luther’s belief in Consubstantiation …

Finally, another Junior High kid got a quick lesson on the nature of the Holy Trinity and a fancy word -- hypostasis.

We rehearsed these scenarios for about 15 minutes before there came a knock at the classroom door and in walked Fr Sloane and the new seminarian, Douglas.

After the introductions, Fr Sloane asked if the class had any questions for Douglas.

Just as rehearsed, and with a totally straight face (I love Jr High kids) Courtney raised her hand and said, “The introduction of the Latin phrase, Filioque (and the Son), into the Creed was one of the major issues that split the Church -- East and West -- in the 11th century. What is your take on the Filioque?”

So, off he went! The new seminarian did his darndest to answer her query.

After an appropriate pause, one wherein I noticed the Rector was glaring at me, Michelle raised her hand, saying: “I have a question. We’ve been talking a lot about the nature of the Holy Trinity. In the Eastern Church, they use words such as hypostasis and hypostatic union in describing the Trinity. Could you explain these terms for us?”

At the point, Fr Sloane made a guffawing sound and looked at me, but the new seminarian plowed ahead, venturing where angels fear to tread and, shooting from the hip, did a fairly good job of clarifying the nature of the Trinity and defining terms.

Then came the kicker. Lisa raised her hand: “I have a question. The Roman Catholic Church believes in the Transubstantiation of the gifts of bread and wine in the Eucharist. Martin Luther’s teaching was different: Consubstantiation. How do these teachings differ and what are your beliefs?”

Fr Sloane reacted: “What is going on here? What on earth are you teaching these kids!?”

They couldn’t hold it any longer; everyone burst out laughing and our plot was revealed.

Ah … alas … seminary.

Just before entering seminary, my wife’s sister was telling us about teaching a Roman Catholic Sunday School class of 5 year olds. One day, one of the children asked: “Can Jesus outrun an airplane?”

Ha!

I carried that cute snippet with me into a conversation sitting around the breakfast table in the seminary’s refectory one day with a bunch of upperclassmen.

I said, "My wife’s sister was telling us about teaching a Roman Catholic Sunday School class of 5 year olds. One day, one of the children asked: 'Can Jesus outrun an airplane?'”

None of them even smiled. Someone asked, “What airline?”

I said, “What …?”

A chorus of voices repeated: “What airline?”

I said, “You’re kidding, right?”

They said, “You obviously haven’t had Dr Griffith’s Theology 2 class.”

Weird.

But that was back in B.O. (before Orthodoxy)

But, Orthodoxy don’t make things any easier …

Which begs the question: Why does Orthodox Christianity seem so hard?

On second thought, that’s probably a Convert Question.

I mean, a native Russian, Syrian or Greek can just explain their so-called Faith Tradition by their culture … and move on.

Well, kinda.

When I asked my wife: “What’s the hardest struggle for Converts?"
She said, "Trying to convert the Cradles!"

She was, of course, kidding … uh, kinda.

I mean, the great temptation for all of us is to work out our OWN salvation. (You can wear yourself out trying to convert others.)

Unlike so-called Cradle (or ethnic) Orthodox Christians, American Converts can have a harder row to hoe -- often spouting doctrinal differences compared with other Christians. Or, much like the Junior High Sunday School prank, minoring in the majors.

In a way, it all boils down to this: When someone asks you how Orthodoxy is different than their own brand of Christianity, just say: “Oh, Orthodoxy’s a lot harder than whatever it is you do.”

Heh heh.

What? You gave up potato chips for Lent?
Try Meat, Dairy, Wine & Oil!

Your church service lasts 50 minutes?
We go for over 2 hours!

Oh yeah, so you’ve had trouble reading the whole Bible?
Well you oughta see ours -- it’s even longer!

You fasted 3 days to fit into your wedding dress?
We fasted 50 days just to eat a red egg!

Well, you get the picture.

But, face it, that’s not the face we should present to the world around us -- even to other Christians!

I am blessed to be the beneficiary of an old book given me by a former parishioner, entitled: The Most Useful KNOWLEDGE for the Orthodox Russian-American Young People, by Very Rev’d Peter G. Kohanik, 1932-1934.

Cracking the pages of this book is like opening a time capsule long buried. I’ll close with this little piece called:

The Value of Little Things

If we wish to make life beautiful and successful we must give attention to what the world calls little things. Jesus taught that: “He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much.” It seems a small matter to give a cup of cold water in the name of Christ, but whosoever is faithful in things so small, will be ready to meet the demands of duty when the trial is great. We cannot all be philanthropists, but he who would give thousands to the cause of Christ must be willing to give such as he has, be it ever so little.

On one occasion Jesus said, “For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required.” If you can give but one day of the week to the Lord’s service -- give it. If you can only give one dime -- give it. If you can only say one prayer -- say it.

“A word spoken in due season, how good is it!” (Prov. 15:23). One word, if the right word, and spoken at the right time, may make a life brighter, a burden lighter -- may change the entire destiny of a soul. The little words of kindness, little acts of self-denial, little moments of diligence, a careful watch against little sins, a grateful use of little blessings, a diligent cultivation of little talents -- these might make a person great in the sight of God.

The close observation of little things is the secret of all true success in every pursuit in life.

What is smaller than a drop of water? Think of the many drops of water that go to make the oceans from which the islands rise.

We cannot all of us do big things. We cannot all of us be big people. Only one out of every thousand, perhaps, rise very far above the average; and yet that one, when you stop to think it out, is lifted to his place by the number of little fine things that have become welded together, as drops of water are joined together to make an ocean.

Take care of the little things that come into your daily life. Do not neglect to do the little, kind things that may, at the moment, seem so unimportant. Keep from the little unkind things that may seem almost equally unimportant. It is by paying attention to the little things, those that you do and those that you leave undone, that you become a truly big person, with a big soul.

In the Christian life there are many duties which sometimes appear insignificant, but whose faithful performance brings great reward; and their neglect -- untold loss.

The human body is made up of many members, great and small. Each one has its work to do, and each is needed. The foot cannot say: “I can do without the eye,” merely because the eye is a small member. The Church of Christ is likened to the human body in that it is made up of many members, of every nation, tongue and people. The same cleansing stream makes us one, but some have seemed to do more than others. For instance, Solomon built a house for the Lord, the prophets and apostles gave us the Bible, the martyrs sealed their faith with their blood. But may we, the lesser members, not underestimate the value of the faithful performance of the little duties God requires of us.

* * *

Doing those little things makes salvation a whole lot easier.

(Or, so I hear.)


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The following reply was sent, a few years back, to a frustrated Orthodox Christian who had written me with thoughts of leaving the Orthodox Church. I found this while looking through some old files. I post it here for the sake of others who may find themselves in a spiritual funk. Forgive me.

Dear XXX,

First off, please forgive the delay in my reply. I have nothing but excuses, save fear of failing you in my answer.

I was once in a similar state as you now find yourself. I got to the point where, though I found comfort in praying the services and serving as pastor, I hated everything "Orthodox". A magazine would arrive with a picture of a priest in vestments -- a service, baptism, or some such -- and I would look at the picture with loathing and cast it aside in anger. It usually found its way to the back of the bathroom toilet. Then I'd have a visceral reaction every time I saw it.

I hated all things that looked and smacked of "Orthodoxy" -- all the while trying to lead a small community. It was awful.

I won't go into the details of how I got to that point, but (forgive me here, please) I remember walking into the church early one morning and cursing myself before all the saints portrayed on the icons. It was a horrible two years.

That said, it was years ago, here I am ... still.

Back in 2006, I was hearing confessions at St George, Houston, during one of the Presanctified Liturgies. The church was dark and full, lots of confessions, the choir was singing beautifully. I wept.

It occurred to me that that very moment, when I felt close to God and heaven, would not have been possible if I had not held on during those terrible years. You might not be able to hear this in your current state but, really, it's all -- ALL OF IT -- worth it.

During those years of struggle I tried everything -- confession, counseling, crying, cussing, prostrations, Jesus Prayer, gossip -- everything! What can I say? I'm a poor priest and a great sinner. But, like you, I truly believe that the Orthodox Church is the fullness of Christ in the world. Honestly, in hindsight, I thank God that I was ordained; else, in my weakness, I might surely have left the Church.

Now, years later, things are drastically different. Oh I'm still worthless if you scratch me hard enough. But I look back on those bad years in awe. My life, ministry and outlook are so much -- so vastly -- different now, through no feat of my own, save hanging in there.

Oh sure, there was God's mercy, etc, yada, yada, yada. But, spoiled that I am, I expected that. Besides, some things sound trite when you're in a funk. God is, after all, God; of that I had no doubt. Though unconscious of it, I had plenty of doubts about me.

What is remarkable is that I stayed. And that has made all the difference. The problem wasn't the Church, Orthodoxy, or Mercy, you see. It was me.

I needed the Church.

I have added you to my poor prayers; I covet yours. (You're welcome to vent this way if needed.)

With love in Christ,

Fr Joseph

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Dear Father Joseph,

I have been listening to some of your podcasts and felt compelled to drop you a line. I am also a former Southern Baptist who became Orthodox. I am currently living in Saint Petersburg, Russia; prior to that I was living in Moscow and prior to that in Constantinople (aka Istanbul).

Your Orthodox White Boy podcast made me think a bit about the current situation here in Russia. In Russia, at least in Moscow and St Pete you can buy Orthodox books, icons, and various paraphernalia not only in the many churches which have blessedly been restored, but at the local equivalents of Christian bookstores, some of which are subway kiosks. (An 8x10 mass produced icon here is about $10, and the smaller ones can be had for less than a dollar.) Yet at the same time while the majority of the population is baptized and the churches are pretty busy, it's definitely not the Kingdom embodied.

When my priest here found out I was from the United States he asked me if I'd ever been to Arizona. He wants to visit the monasteries there. I am not joking.

Usually people here are surprised but a little flattered to find out that I, an Amerkanitz, am Pravaslavnaya. Sometimes they say "well everybody here is Orthodox but no one goes to church." In my observation, however, most of the churches here would not be quiet enough to please Fr Danislav Gregorio. Saturday we went to vigil in a church where it was practically shoulder to shoulder.

Anyway, despite that, there is a definite sense here that they lost a great deal during the soviet oppression and that heroic work is necessary to counter the materialism and debauchery that has come in the post-soviet period. What I find surprising is clergy, like my priest, admire the United States and see it as a moral example, not the source of contamination.

Constantinople is another issue. Most of the Orthodox I knew there were Arabs and Antiochians (I am Antiochian but am definitely a whitey), but they existed in tiny numbers. The church there often gets treated as a tourist attraction.

Anyway my thought, after living in two of the Old Countries, is that while we remain a tiny minority in the states -- what the old countries offer is more an exchange of problems than a kind of salvation through cultural osmosis.

Thanks for reading, I love the podcast and thank you for it --

XXXX

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Each year, Sunday of Orthodoxy Vespers is hosted by a different parish in the Houston area; this year: Holy Forty Martyrs Mission in Sugar Land. Hairy, here, is Fr John Whiteford; thinnin' and bespecaled is moi; Fr Florin Craioveanu follows.


Wait! That priest looks Early!



New to the Houston area, Fr Stephen Burke, center (with Christ), is flanked by Reader Herman Engelhardt and Archpriest John Salem at the Chanter's stand.



Our senior priest, Archpriest Joseph Shahda, leads the way in the procession, followed by the pastor of Holy Forty Martyrs, Priest Gabriel Karam, and our guest preacher, Archpriest Chad Hatfield.



The service was beautified by the polyphonic Pan-Orthodox voice of the St Romanos Chorale, under the direction of Dr Bill Attra.



That's me encouraging the gathered faithful to give generously to the needs of our local Orthodox Clergy Association. The annual collection during Sunday of Orthodoxy Vespers, other than parish dues, is our sole means of income toward sponsoring Pan-Orthodox events and projects in Southeast Texas.



The Chancellor of St Vladimir's Seminary, Fr Chad Hatfield, delivered a rousing sermon on Orthodox unity in America.



A beaming Fr Gabriel Karam welcomes the 20+ clergy and hundreds of Orthodox faithful to Holy Forty Martyrs Mission. It was a blessing to see the nave and the hall packed with people from all over Southeast Texas.



This year we were also blessed with an hierarchical presence -- His Grace, Bishop IRINEU (Duvlea), of the Orthodox Church in America, Romanian Episcopate.

Why red vestments? Because it was the eve of the Patronal Feast of the Mission dedicated to the Holy Forty Martyrs of Sebaste.

(Click here for tons more pics.)

Through the prayers of the Holy Forty Martyrs of Sebaste, may God have mercy on us and save us!
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On the Sunday of Orthodoxy, I sat down with long-time friend Fr Chad Hatfield, Chancellor of St Vladimir's Orthodox Theological Seminary, to chat about things old, things new, the Church's missiology -- and Nashotah House too.

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.

Or just listen right here.

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My Confessor and Spiritual Father of 16 years, Fr Damian, fell asleep in the Lord last night (Saturday, March 7th).

Your prayers are coveted.

May his memory be eternal!

UPDATE: For a good word on the passing of Fr Damian, listen to Clark Carlton's podcast.

Fr Damian is pictured here with my family, 2003.
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In a recent podcast, I mentioned that a priest who gets a good night's sleep on Saturday night is "not worth his salt".

Now comes this ...

The nation's cooks will be seasoning their daily bread with salt of a different denomination if a Maryland entrepreneur has his way. Examiner.com reports that retired barber Joe Godlewski, 73, was inspired to develop his own Christian Blessed Salt after repeatedly hearing television chefs call for the Kosher variety.

The sea salt, blessed by an Episcopal priest ...

Good Lord!

The whole story.

Maybe now the Buddhists will have a worthy salt source!

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In A.D. 2009
Lent was beginning.

Captain: What happen?

Mechanic: Somebody set up us the bomb.

Operator: We get signal.

Captain: What!!

Operator: Main screen turn on.

Captain: It's you!!

Cats: How are you gentlemen!!

Cats: All your base are belong to us.

Cats: You are on the way to destruction.

Captain: What you say!!

Cats: You have no chance to survive make your time.

Cats: Ha ha ha ha...

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On this Sunday of Forgiveness, I beg you -- faithful readers, lurkers, and surfers -- to forgive my many sins, failings, and shortcomings. Prayers coveted and assured, for you and yours, as we prepare, during this holy season of the Great Fast, to meet the Lord in the Bright and Glorious Day of Resurrection (Pascha - April 19, 2009).
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